When I consider my early teen years I feel I had a morbid fascination with loneliness. Possibly because it was a fleeting emotion with all my siblings and relatives. I can’t being to count the amount of times I was asked ‘What’s wrong’ – if I wasn’t chattering. I was always told I talked too much. I pondered often over loneliness. And sometimes I felt it – even in a crowd. I won a poetry contest and my topic was loneliness. I feel it often had something to do with my rocky relationships with boys.
Growing up – I was definitely a tom-boy. I could do whatever a boy did and my dad again urged me on. I could climb, run, play sports or ride a horse as well and even better than boys. I didn’t cry when I was hurt. I had no idea what to do when I reached puberty. Things were changing. To play sports often hurt more than I cared for. To wrestle and beat a boy was no longer a challenge or enjoyable. I could cry now – whether I was angry, hurt or frustrated. Sometimes it was difficult to accept or realize the change. There was and still is a lot of talk about equality. I agree in equality – but I also see a different between men and women. I don’t think there is any way we can change that. Yet some keep trying. I have learned we can be equal – but we will never be the same.
I lost my father as a teenager. That created a genuine feeling of loneliness. I did come to realize the difference between loneliness and being alone. Sometimes ‘feeling loneliness’ could be manufactured. I discovered a bottle of wine and feeling sorry for myself because I was so far away from my family worked well. Eventually as I got a little older I wondered why or what I was doing. I didn’t want to feel loneliness all the time. So, I entered life again. I learned how to balance – as much as anyone can control their life – this odd phenomena. No one can ever go through life I think without feeling either and both. We are alone sometimes and sometimes we feel loneliness when we aren’t alone. I have never heard anyone say otherwise.
When I was alone -as I chose to marry a long-haul truck driver – I learned not to be lonely. I learned the value of journals, researching and plotting stories. I didn’t feel loneliness. I also learned the value of friends, relatives and socializing. I mainly learned the value of being able to adjust to either scenario. For me it was a great lesson in balancing my life.
Perhaps I analyse too much. I have heard it said I do. But I think if someone analyzes something, then applies it to themselves it goes a long way towards understanding.