Loneliness – Alone Part II

When I consider my early teen years I feel I had a morbid fascination with loneliness.  Possibly because it was a fleeting emotion with all my siblings and relatives. I can’t being to count the amount of times I was asked ‘What’s wrong’ – if I wasn’t chattering.  I was always told I talked too much.  I pondered often over loneliness.  And sometimes I felt it –  even in a crowd.  I won a poetry contest and my topic was loneliness.  I feel it often had something to do with my rocky relationships with boys.

Growing up – I was definitely a tom-boy.  I could do whatever a boy did and my dad again urged me on.  I could climb, run, play sports or ride a horse as well and even better than boys. I didn’t cry when I was hurt.  I had no idea what to do when I reached puberty.  Things were changing.  To play sports often hurt more than I cared for.  To wrestle and beat a boy was no longer a challenge or enjoyable. I could cry now – whether I was angry, hurt or frustrated.   Sometimes it was difficult to accept or realize the change. There was and still is a lot of talk about equality.  I agree in equality – but I also see a different between men and women.  I don’t think there is any way we can change that. Yet some keep trying.  I have learned we can be equal – but we will never be the same.

I lost my father as a teenager.  That created a genuine feeling of loneliness.  I did come to realize the difference between loneliness and being alone.  Sometimes ‘feeling loneliness’ could be manufactured.  I discovered a bottle of wine and feeling sorry for myself because I was so far away from my family worked well.  Eventually as I got a little older I wondered why or what I was doing.  I didn’t want to feel loneliness all the time.  So, I entered life again.  I learned how to balance – as much as anyone can control their life – this odd phenomena.  No one can ever go through life I think without feeling either and both.  We are alone sometimes and sometimes we feel loneliness when we aren’t alone. I have never heard anyone say otherwise.

When I was alone -as I chose to marry a long-haul truck driver – I learned not to be lonely.  I learned the value of journals, researching and plotting stories.  I didn’t feel loneliness.  I also learned the value of friends, relatives and socializing.  I mainly learned the value of being able to adjust to either scenario.  For me it was a great lesson in balancing my life.

Perhaps I analyse too much.  I have heard it said I do.  But I think if someone analyzes something, then applies it to themselves it goes a long way towards understanding.