Do you feel it’s fine to take some supplies from the company you work for? Does your partner think it’s okay to buy black-market products knowing full well they were stolen? Do you feel it’s alright to have an affair or share? Do you think a ‘little white lie’ is fine and even necessary because the truth might hurt – others or even you? Do you seek dangerous activities or a calm, sedentary life-style? All these questions and countless more are what makes you an individual.
It is often said opposites attract and some opposite views might be important. I am thinking specifically of negative and positive people. If both partners think the cup is half empty a relationship might suffer depressing times.
But if too many of your principals are compromised, there might be problems and as the relationship loses its excitement, resentment and depression might require a Councillor to get back on track. Often, without realizing it, by going along with another’s idea of right and wrong, you have compromised your own principals. If that happens I can guarantee you will not be happy.
Understanding both your own and your partner’s principals are very important to a happy relationship. People can change and it happens creating a happy relationship. The important thing to remember is – a person must change themselves, you cannot change them just because you want to.
Most people are religious in some way. However there are people who believe religion is the ‘be all/end all’ of the world problems. As our society moves forward to a ‘collective society’ of sameness religious beliefs are as archaic as those Greeks Gods of ancient times.
I have often heard and had conversations of how suppressing religions can be and I may agree- in the past. As a Christian I do not see that suppression people discuss, and although they can respect their opinions and only ask the same in return. When I hear of people who would destroy a cross in our free countries I cringe. When I hear people who would have God taken out of our anthems and schools I want to cry.
Now imagine trying to form a romantic relationship with such opposite beliefs. Is it possible? I think that people should investigate personal beliefs before they jump into a relationship. I shudder to imagine the arguments and fights of such opposite opinions – especially in this day and age when hostility without respect is raging supreme.
If a Christian does something wrong does that mean Christianity is bad – considering it teaches only love, kindness and helping others?
How much attention do you need in a relationship? That is a question everyone should ask themselves – especially when their partner’s work requires so much alone time.
I married a truck-driver. His hours, even now are long. Often he isn’t here. When the children were young I was required to handle all their appointments and activities mainly by myself. Often I had to work as well to help financially.
He was a great father and took the kids whenever he was home. Now he does that with our grandson and is his ‘best buddy’. On Father’s Day I asked my grandson what made poppa special. He replied – ‘because he makes me happy when I am sad’. My grandson is only six and I felt it was a great compliment.
Instead of getting angry and upset because he worked so much – I started seriously learning my writing skills as the children went to school and got older. Truck drivers have a phenomenal rate of divorce according to statistics. To marry a person who isn’t often there is a skill of learning to like yourself and do your specific activities for you. It is a balancing act that requires some skill and thought, but if you can deal with being alone often and concentrate on ‘quality’ it can be a long and happy relationship.
Instead of concentrating on the amount of time required more thought should be put into ‘quality’ – not ‘quantity’. Reality is people are required to work to be independent and look after their family.
Often a topic not discussed honestly is having children. If your romantic partner loves children and you don’t – that could be a future problem.. Be honest and up-front when dealing with your thoughts on children. If you don’t like them – admit it. I have often said – for the sake of defenseless helpless children, in all fairness – it is better to say you don’t want children then to pretend you do for the sake of pleasing someone else.
When you first marry or have a relationship with another, your complete focus can and often is on your partner. If either person feels resentment and frustration when that focus changes – there can be problems. Having a child is a true balancing act. Not neglecting your partner is a challenge some can’t meet when they are blessed with a child. On the other hand there are people who resent being ignored in favor of another. Jealousy and anger often rear their ugly heads.
A small child/baby is defenseless and helpless. It is a twenty-four hour job of caring and love. Caring for a child can be exhausting and frustrating. In the beginning especially and with a first child, there will probably be no time for anything besides the baby. There must be understanding and help on both sides.
It is hard to focus on another person when a child needs you. I would suggest this should also be discussed with a potential partner before marriage. As women mainly are the responsible caregiver of a child it is important to know if a man can not resent the required time in dealing with a baby. It may be an unspoken problem but there are many cases of someone – having an affair or going out with friends because they feel neglected at home. Many people do not want to admit their feelings let alone deal with them.
So before you bring a miracle in this world understand everything that is romantic will be changed. If you would rather spend your time with your partner and the freedom of doing as you please be honest – don’t bring a baby into your relationship. It’s not fair to everyone involved.
When it comes to romance and a guaranteed way to stifle any interest – there is arguments about finances. Statistics say this is one of the main causes of divorce.
This is not a matter of being rich or poor. It is important to live within your means but many don’t. Explore your opinions and those of your partners. I can’t stress enough, the importance of knowing and understanding the person you are with. If you meet someone and their idea of fun is to go spend and it’s beyond their means – he/she might be fun to be with. They can become addictive. But stop the roller-coaster ride and decide if this is what you want for a life. Enjoy your time with him/her – but I would suggest not to think of him/her as a life-long partner if you are not of the same mind.
When you need money to fix your stove, if you have to re-mortgage your home because of someone else’s mismanagement there is little room for romance or love. Sometimes circumstances are beyond your control. That would ideally be the time you would work together to solve your problems.
On the other hand if you are of a like mind and both spend foolishly, there may be no arguments but a possibility of uncontrollable debts in your life. Or if you can have constructive conversations with a person without fighting and come up with a mutual solution, it’s a huge burden off any relationship.
If not, I guarantee there will be hostility and resentment when dealing jointly with your financial situation.
So consider what is important to you and the person you are with, the person you love. When the excitement of a new relationship burns low – you will have problems igniting romance if you can’t come to an agreements when dealing with finances.
Love is often considered a physical attraction, but beware. When you are attracted to someone and they reciprocate life becomes a joy. The sun shines brighter, the birds sing better and you are happier. The need to be together makes you anxious when you are apart. If you are working or going to school you long for the day to end.
Being in love will be one of the happiest times in your life. Don’t rush to end it. Enjoy this time. For there are many things that will interfere with the privacy and the happiness you feel in the moment. The best advice I can give anyone – learn and understand the person you are in love with. From morals and principals to how to raise a child, there are conflicting troubles looming in the future. When you are in love it might not seem important; when you are in love little quirks might seem easily changed; when you’re in love some things might seem funny that aren’t really;
Don’t rush into a permanent relationship and live to regret your decisions.
In the next few blogs I will explore the affect of family, religion (or lack of it), work,finances and other obstacles can have on a relationship that seemed so urgent when you decided to make it permanent.
I recall believing myself that unconsciously that I could change a person – only to learn a hard lesson. Every individual can only change themselves. Some people will and might change – for love – but often live to regret their decision and learn to resent their partner.